A Dark Prediction

By David Himmel

I predict that President Trump is going to continue to meet his campaign promises swiftly and with(out) malice. And once he's done everything he said he would do, he'll resign.

He'll say, "The executive orders I initiated have made America great again. And now I will step aside so that I can return to running my company—an amazing company, a company that defines the greatness of America. It's a great company. So many people—billions of people—support my company. More than they support other companies. I will resign the presidency and allow Vice President Pence to step in and continue making America great again."

I predict that this will happen within the first year of Trump's presidency.

I have yet to agree with anything he's done but I have to hand it to the foul bastard because so far, he's delivered on many of the promises he made on the campaign trail. He's done it more successfully and faster than any other president. So in a twisted way, I have to commend him for doing what he said. But that's also like commending the guy who banged your girlfriend after he said he was going to bang your girlfriend. It's not a good feeling. But hell, I wish I had that much focused commitment. I never banged anyone's girlfriend but my own.

I don't think, and have never thought, that Trump really wanted to be the President of the United States. He wanted to win, he wanted the adoration, he wanted to feed his beastly ego the largest, tastiest dish any ego could ever eat: the United States Presidency. And he did it. And now he can kick back, bask in the comfort that he'll live in the history books forever as a man who is separated from George Washington by only 44 other men, and go back to building gaudy hotels and golf clubs. And having wet dreams about Ivanka. Though, in his very loose defense, there are worse wet dreams to have. Trust me, I've had them.

His work will soon be done. The damage is already being done and it will be long lasting. Pence will take over, things will get worse. In 2018, a new wave of emotionally-charged, narrow-minded liberals—ironic, right?—convinced they're progressives will take control of Congress. In 2020, Bernie or Warren will run for president and win. All the hard work Trump and Pence put in to make this country sicker, poorer, more at risk of war, and confirmed the idea that wealthy white men are, when given a decent suit and some power, horrible will be undone as swiftly as Trump undid the work of his predecessor.

And that's how it will go every two and four years. Liberals do their thing. Conservatives undo it then do their thing. Liberals undo what the conservatives did and do something they want. Then conservatives come in and undo, blah blah, yada yada and so on and so on. Back and forth, this is how it will go. Like a never ending tennis match. Back and forth. Left to right. Forth and back. Right to left. Except the ball is not a ball. The ball is our demise.

None of this will be true progress. The real progressives will remain confounded and crippled by common sense, equality and a deep understanding of history.

And all of us will continue fighting and not listening to each other and letting the differences in opinion on one issue become the defining issue of a movement, thus making it impossible for us to ever truly come together and have reasonable discussions and find the happy medium.

Even President Reagan understood the need for compromise. President Lincoln understood the need for forgiveness. And they were republicans. Don't ever forget that Vietnam was the war of a democrat. Nixon, a republican, simply got to enjoy the deathly spoils of that war and flex his big American cock muscle all over Southeast Asia.

I believe that this is the best and worst case scenario.

The absolute best case scenario is that China nukes us tomorrow. Why tomorrow? Because that allows my friends A.J. Miller and Tommy Beardmore to celebrate one last birthday. Unfortunately, that means the Atlanta Falcons won't have the chance to beat those goddamn wretched New England Patriots.