I Have An Excellent Idea For Equality

by An Anonymous Chimpanzee

Minorities are oppressed in this country. No question. Black men face larger penalties for the same crime and are disproportionally targeted by police. Women are having access to birth control and abortion curtailed at every turn. The LGBTQ community is facing attacks on their rights in addition to outright physical attacks. This is but a fraction of the ills these and other groups of people face, and doesn't even get into the mental discriminatory stereotypes and expectations faced. What do we the progressively minded do to combat and fix these myriad injustices? (Note from author: The preceding was not sarcasm)

(Note from author: This following is.)

I have an excellent idea.

For one, let's not frame the conversation in terms of oppression. No, too easy. Let's frame it in terms of how other people aren't facing it. And what's more, let's attack them for that. Even better, call it "privilege". A word that entails extra help, a special gift. Let's make the conversation about them and their amazing gift of not being oppressed. Because, as we all know, the absence of a negative is definitely a positive. This will ensure that those not facing these types of oppression feel attacked and will thus endear them to our cause.

For two, let's make sure to invalidate the opinions of those who don't face this oppression because of their race and gender. No matter how sound their argument, or how factual their claims, and especially if they agree with us the wrong way, we need to call them ignorant and call them privileged whenever possible. Emphasis on the word 'privilege'. The marketing on this word is genius. It implies that one is given a head start and didn't earn the things they have achieved in life. Simply ignore whatever is said, and yell "white male privilege'. It saves from having to actually think or listen, which is a real bother. If anyone ever points out the implications of the word 'privilege', simply repeat above with an assertion that you will repurpose the English language however you see fit.

For three, if anybody asks to be educated on these things or have their blind spots pointed out, indignantly tell them that it isn't your job to educate them. Everybody knows that committing oneself to social change should involve as little effort as possible. Simply explaining the problem in one's behavior is inconvenient and the world should just know to change all around you without being told why or what the problem is. Again, this is a movement that requires persuasion. Telling someone to just google it is historically persuasive, especially when coupled with the phrase "you are the problem".

For fourth, let's get offended at things that would otherwise seem innocuous. Jokes. Movie posters. Tattoos. Hair styles. Fictional characters being called names. Anything as long as it doesn't do any actual damage. This will ensure that when something comes along that is actually harmful and sexist and/or racist that people will know we are serious and never ever make frivolous claims of sexism or racism. Again, this is about persuasion. This will be especially helpful if anybody like this ever runs for president.

For fifth, always make sure to argue with unknowable premises. Don't like how men sit on the bus? Well, they do that because they think they deserve more space than you. How do you know that? You just do. Rape happens for control, not because of sex drive. Ever. Ignore the plummeting rape statistics in countries that legalized prostitution. Gender is always a social construct. Let's turn the centuries long nature/nurture debate into a enlightened/woefully-ignorant-sexist-monster debate. If somebody agrees with the same legal and social policies as you, but came to that conclusion a different way, loudly proclaim this person a racist and/or sexist, hopefully both. Remember, change and persuasion is our goal.

And finally, if anybody ever disagrees, ever. If they do something we don't like for any reason, it is our solemn duty as defenders of justice and equality, as fighters for a more loving world, to absolutely destroy their lives. Contact their work, get them fired. Only people who agree with us should have jobs. Harass them online. Socially destroy them, isolate them. Make it unacceptable to show them kindness or be this person's friend in any way. Publish their home address and phone number. Put them in actual physical danger. Make them feel crushingly depressed. Break their hearts. Make an example of them. Reduce a three dimensional human being to a two dimensional caricature defined entirely by their worst moment. Remember, this is no longer a human being. Dehumanizing works for racists and therefore will work for us too. For us, uniquely us, revenge is the same thing as justice.

Remember, change and therefore persuasion is our goal. And by shaming and silencing behavior and speech we change minds.

Because I don't know about you, but when I think of America in late 2016 I envision a massive room where absolutely everybody is getting fucked in the ass constantly. Yes, even white men. Of course, African Americans, Latinos, Women, and the entire LGBTQ community is getting it worse. No doubt at all. (Note from author: This paragraph is not sarcasm. It is sad.)

(Note from author: This one kind of is sarcasm. And is also sad.)

What I ask myself when I see this room of everybody getting fucked is to ask "Why can't we all just get fucked at the level the white men are?" I definitely do not ask "why are we all getting fucked in the ass?" Because division is what unites us into tinier and tinier little subgroups. Liberal infighting is what will save us. Only the issues of political correctness and social justice matter. Economic disparity is a distraction. War is a distraction. Environmental issues are a distraction. Money's corrupting influence on our body politic is a distraction. Hillary Clinton was the best democrat to nominate simply because she was a woman and for no other reason. Do not ask me if I would have voted for her in the primary if she was a man. I won't answer.

Don't you dare question me. If you ever dare criticize me publicly, make damn sure you do it anonymously if you value your safety and life.

Here, somebody say this better than me: