All in Post-It Wall Notes
• Forgiveness is not valued enough. And too often, it’s not even attempted. And that’s why we’re doomed.
• I feel a crushing amount of guilt and regret for thinking that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is an attractive person. I feel the same way about Ivanka Trump.
Valentine’s Day isn’t a dumb holiday. It’s a day of self-help. Valentine’s Day gives you the opportunity to manage your anxiety, pride, and feelings of loneliness. And according to Brian Sweeney, it’s the best day to eat ass and gargle nut.
Knowledge is not power. Knowledge is an opportunity. Knowledge is cunning.
It’s too soon to write Howard Schultz off as yet another oligarch or self-serving rich pud like Ross Perot with a self-righteous taste for the presidency. Just as I think it’s too soon to think that AOC is the Second Coming of Christ. Give them time. Maybe things’ll play out different than we assume. Maybe.
Having privilege is not inherently a bad thing. It does not define who you are. What you do with that privilege does. Do you use it to help people or hurt people? Bobby Kennedy is not Donald Trump and Donald Trump is no Bobby Kennedy. (Baby brother Teddy was no Bobby either when he used his privilege to let a dead girl get waterlogged in his sunken car.)
Knowledge isn’t power. Knowledge is an opportunity.
You don’t need balloons or cupcakes to be excited about learning your baby’s sex. And yes, it’s a sex. It’s never gender. Gender is a social construct, and for even the most pro-life pro-lifers out there, an unborn child/fetus/uterine turd cannot, by the laws of science, be socialized. Talk to it, play music for it, fine. You can’t make it like pink or blue in the womb. If you need to be surprised about your baby’s sex, listen to what your OB or midwife tells you during pregnancy, or at the time of birth. Getting all geared up over the sex of a child is exactly why we have sexism. So, please, for the sake of our future, knock it the fuck off.
David, if you’re going to do the Daily Mini New York Times Crossword Puzzle, it’ll help if you know the difference between “fury” and “furry.” You idiot.
The big gifts from my wife this Christmas was a Simple Human trashcan for the kitchen, and the Verilux HappyLight Lucent. See, boys and girls, it’s easy to buy presents for a neat freak with a chronic case of the mulligrubs.
I’m still in the infant stage of its use but so far, this HappyLight thing seems to be doing the trick. I do feel better. Plus, I think it’s making my penis bigger.
Actual advice I shouldn’t have given to a woman who is 34 weeks pregnant: “Just remember to take care of yourself, too. You’re still your own person. Your baby doesn’t need you to give him everything. He’ll be fine without you. Treat yourself.”
If Lady Gaga can sing Baby, It’s Cold Outside with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Tony Bennett, it can’t be that bad. Unless she likes being raped or whatever.
I use a bidet for the exact same reason I use a pencil: Sometimes I make a mistake.
It’s funny, the things I care about now since becoming a father. It’s not the environment or my finances or my health — not any more than I did before Harrison arrived. It’s diaper changing stations in public restrooms. I see one of those in a men’s room and I am overwhelmed with joy. #FathersRights
Oh, shit. I think I used that Fathers’ Rights hashtag incorrectly.
This Thanksgiving, let’s remember that this year’s holiday falls on the 65th anniversary of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. So let’s be thankful that most of us won’t experience having our spouse’s skull and brains splattered all over our designer outfit while riding in a convertible. I bet Jackie even got some brain matter in her mouth. Gross. Pumpkin pie is so much better, I’m sure.